family album

I’ve been away from blogging for a while, because I’ve been dealing with with some things that I just haven’t been ready to write about yet. On March 19, at the ripe old age of 91, my grandmother passed away. My Nana was ill for a few years, and unhappy since my Papa passed away in 2002, and I know she has now been released from all of that. She was fortunate to be living in a beautiful senior’s residence with the most dedicated, supportive and empathetic caregivers who were wonderful to her. She was my last surviving grandparent, so while I want to celebrate her long life I’ve also been having a much harder time dealing with her passing than I anticipated.

I wasn’t able to put my finger on it until a few days ago, but I think I can finally articulate a strange feeling I’ve been carrying around. I feel like the bottom has fallen out of a big part of my life, and what’s left is uncertainty and a feeling of ‘what now?’ I can’t help but remember how my nana never really recovered from losing her husband, something I find so scary. And, unlike my father’s parents who died younger, I had a relationship with my maternal grandparents as an adult. However, she had a very difficult last year and other issues were really complicating the situation, so I also can’t help but feel relieved at the same time (which I felt guilty about, at first,) It’s a chapter ending in my life, so what I’m trying to do now is focus on the present instead of trying to look ahead too far.

My mom spent the better part of the last 7 years caring for both her parents, so while this is very hard for her, maybe now she can start to move forward. My family is small and I’m an only child. I’ve lost a lot of relatives not through death but through the fact that my father and I haven’t spoken in almost 8 years. I won’t get into all the details here, but my Nana’s passing has also stirred up emotions and unresolved ‘stuff’ related to that, which I didn’t anticipate.

I couldn’t get through everything without Stewdawg, who has been incredibly supportive in taking care of me. I’ve been glued to him as much as possible! I know he misses my grandparents too. His favourite story about my Nana is from Xmas one year, when we had finished dessert and just pulled out some photo albums of my cousins’ recent trip to Korea. My Nana had disappeared for a few minutes, and at that moment she walked into the room wearing her winter coat and scarf, all bundled up and holding her purse, and announced that she was ready to go home!

One thing I will always remember is that my Nana rarely just said ‘bye’ after each visit, instead she always told us to ‘keep the faith.’ On one particularly bad day around Xmas this year, I held her hand and told her she needed to ‘keep the faith’ too. It calmed her down for a few minutes.

I’m grateful to all of my Nana’s caregivers, they’re such good people and they make me feel closer to her. I think her spirit is actually feeling closer to me right now than in the last little while she was physically ‘here’, an emotion my good friend K was spot on about.

The funeral service was very nice, with a lot of love and support from everyone. I brought this painting called "family album" to the service, and it was on an easel at the door. I painted it last year from a photograph of my aunt and uncle’s wedding in Montreal, a photo that captures my grandparents on a happy day, laughing with family and friends in the sun outside the church. This is how I want to remember her.